Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

STEP TWELVE

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patible union. If the man is affected, the wife must become
the head of the house, often the breadwinner. As matters
get worse, the husband becomes a sick and irresponsible
child who needs to be looked after and extricated from
endless scrapes and impasses. Very gradually, and usually
without any realization of the fact, the wife is forced to be-
come the mother of an erring boy. And if she had a strong
maternal instinct to begin with, the situation is aggravated.
Obviously not much partnership can exist under these con-
ditions. The wife usually goes on doing the best she knows
how, but meanwhile the alcoholic alternately loves and
hates her maternal care. A pattern is thereby established
that may take a lot of undoing later on. Nevertheless, un-
der the influence of A.A.'s Twelve Steps, these situations
are often set right. *

When the distortion has been great, however, a long period
of patient striving may be necessary. After the husband joins
A.A., the wife may become discontented, even highly resent-
ful that Alcoholics Anonymous has done the very thing that
all her years of devotion had failed to do. Her husband may
become so wrapped up in A.A. and his new friends that he is
inconsiderately away from home more than when he drank.
Seeing her unhappiness, he recommends A.A.'s Twelve Steps
and tries to teach her how to live. She naturally feels that
for years she has made a far better job of living than he has.
Both of them blame each other and ask when their marriage

* In adapted form, the Steps are also used by Al-Anon Family Groups. Not a
part of A.A., this worldwide fellowship consists of spouses and other relatives or
friends of alcoholics (in A.A. or still drinking). Its headquarters address is 1600
Corporate Landing Pkwy., Virginia Beach, VA 23454-5617.